Letters
by ilovestarshollow2
Summary: Rory has a lot of time to kill on the campaign bus. So she begins to write letters to her past loves. Will it be Rogan or Literati? I'm figuring it out as I go...
1. Logan

There's nothing better than miles and miles of American countryside to allow the mind to wander. Rory was sitting in the seat she had chosen the first day she arrived Iowa; right in the middle of the bus. She could sleep or quietly read a book, but she didn't feel cut off from conversations at the back of the bus. Her mother was right, people who choose to sit at the bus are much more social. But on this particularly quiet day, she needed to put pen to paper. Over the past few months her mind had been spinning with thoughts. But nothing ever felt real until she put things into words. When Rory had unresolved issues with people, she found the best thing to do was write a letter. When her mom had been upset with her through the years, she'd write a letter and sneak it on to Lorelai's pillow before she woke up. And Lorelai would always come in to Rory's bed in the morning and give her a hug and told her she wasn't mad anymore. Rory felt like sometimes she could say more in written words, than she could say out loud. She did this time and time again, for Lane when they were kids, for Paris when they had roommate squabbles, and with Lucy when the whole Marty debacle went down. Words on paper gave her more courage, because she could take her time, move things around, and read things over and over to make sure she was giving the right tone. Sometimes she didn't even give the letters to the people. She just felt better after writing it down. So today she decided that she would write a letter to Logan.

Logan,

I miss you. It's so weird going from talking to you everyday to not at all.

But I'm also angry and confused. We were in a great place, we were happy, why did you have to go and change it? A few months ago when I got the Providence Journal offer, you told me to go for what I really wanted, to try not to think about where you'd be. You said you'd factor me in, that if I decided to be in Providence, that maybe you'd come with me. When you said that I thought; this is someone who really loves me, who understands that my dreams are important to me. I thought that meant that we'd be ok no matter what, no matter where each of us were. But then you figured out your life. A life in California. And I am so proud of you Logan, you have no idea. But why did you think that I would pick up everything and go with you? So I hadn't been so lucky. I hadn't quite figured out my next step yet. But you know what? I'm 22, I think that's acceptable. But you thought I would just pick up everything and follow your dream? What if I had got that fellowship at the New York Times? Would you still have asked me to follow you?

I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about marrying you before. But I thought you understood that there are things I want to do, things I want to experience before settling down. For the first time in my life, I don't know exactly where I'm going, and I think that's a good thing. Over 2 years ago, I sat there at your parents house listening to your mother and grandfather tell me I wasn't good enough to marry you because I was an smart, independent, career woman, with her own dreams and aspirations. That I wouldn't be the trophy wife your family wanted for you. And you know what? They were right. I'm never going to be happy _just _being somebodies wife. I wasn't raised that way. I thought you didn't want that. I thought you loved that I was so passionate about school and my career. I thought we were equal partners, Logan. When you asked me to follow you I just thought I would be giving up something.

When you went to London, I was heartbroken when you left. And it was hard being away from you. But I did it because I supported you. I knew that you needed to do it for your career. We got through it. And I thought that meant something. Why couldn't you do that for me?

I love you. But I'm not ready to be a wife.

I know that there are great papers in California, and that you weren't asking me to give up on my career. But I think I realized that it would be our life, not my life and I don't think I'm ready for an "our life". That is really hard to see on paper, but it's true.

My mom says that I'll "just know". Maybe the fact that I couldn't follow you, means you aren't the one. Or maybe we are just in two different places, and the timing is not right.

I can't help but wonder if you hadn't proposed where we'd be right now.

I got a job with an online magazine as a reporter on Barack Obama's campaign trail. We just crossed the border into Nebraska. I hate this bus. But Logan, the people I've met...the things I've got to see. It's amazing. It's not the most glamourous gig, but I'm hoping it'll lead to other things. I've made some really great connections. And hey, if Obama wins in 2008, I'll get to say that I was on the campaign.

I hope your business is going great. I wish you all the best. Maybe we'll meet again someday. Who knows.

Ace


	2. Jess

Rory folded up the letter and put it in an envelope, wrote Logan's new address on the front. She felt more settled and relieved. Writing it down made it feel real. Logan and her were really done. Because she didn't want an "our life" with him. At least not yet. Without thinking, she started writing again on her yellow pad.

Jess,

I am sitting on a charter bus full of reporters, travelling across America. That's the dream huh?

I got a job with an online magazine as a reporter on Barack Obama's campaign trail.

I had an hour long conversation with a reporter for the New York Times yesterday. That was pretty surreal.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I suppose I'm just really bored on this bus. Travelling gives you lots of time to think.

I keep searching the internet for your name to see if you published any more books. So far nothing. Are you working on anything? I don't know if I ever fully expressed how proud of you I am. When you showed up, I realized how ridiculous I was being. You wrote a book! I got my fight back. I got back in school, was appointed editor of the Yale Daily News and started standing up to Mitchum Huntzberger. I needed someone to call me out on it. Someone who really knows me.

I'm sorry that I came to your opening like that. I'm sorry that I let you kiss me. I hate myself for leading you on. You don't deserve that.

Logan asked me to marry him and move to California with him. I said no. I'm still trying to figure it all out. I'm trying to figure my life out. My life right now is travel sized toiletries and instant coffee, in a new hotel room every couple days. I miss my mom, I miss my town, I miss my casual clothes, I miss Taylor even! But this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I am secretly loving every minute of it.

So I'm sitting on this bus and I have nothing better to do than write...

It's ironic because that summer that I was in Washington D.C. I kept starting letters to you...And then I stopped myself.

I liked you but I didn't want to admit it. I thought I loved Dean, but I eventually realized that what I had with Dean was puppy love, 16 year old love. It stayed at 16. It didn't evolve, we didn't grow together. No matter how much you want to, you can't go back to being 16... Life changes. As I spent more time with you, I realized what it was like to be intellectually stimulated by a guy. And how sexy that was. And it made me realize what was missing between me and Dean. I liked him because he was sweet and he loved me. I thought that was all a girl could ever want, but I wasn't infatuated with him. I was completely head over heals for you.

You were so sexy Jess.

But I couldn't trust you. Because you were irresponsible and you didn't talk to me. Gosh, Jess if you had just talked to me, things could have been different. I was sad when you left, mostly because I wouldn't get to talk to you anymore; I wouldn't get to kiss you anymore. But I was heartbroken that you didn't even say goodbye, or explain why you had left. We really never had closure until you showed up at my dorm...

Logan's proposal has made me think a lot about timing. The fact that people can be in love but be in different places. I am not ready to get married. And when we were together, you needed to go and figure out your life, to grow up. I guess I'm in a similar position right now. I've never been more confused. Maybe the one is the person who you meet at the right time, or maybe the right one is the one who loves you enough to wait for you to get there.

I'm going to be in Philadelphia from Sept 7-10th. If you want to meet up then, text me. My number is the same as I gave you at your opening. But if you don't want to, I totally understand. Honestly I just really need a friend to talk to right now. Someone who really knows me.

Rory

She thought about not sending this one. At the opening, Rory got the impression that Jess wasn't exactly over her, and she didn't want to hurt him again. But somehow she thought that Jess could handle it, that he would understand that she really needed to just ramble about the state of her life, and was reaching out for a friend. Even while writing, she realized how comfortable she was writing to him. She wrote much faster than she had with Logan's, in much more of a lazy style, more of a babble. She wasn't as worried about what he would think. No matter what, she could always talk to Jess. He got her.


	3. Dean

Thinking about her relationship with Jess had brought up thoughts of Dean. She had treated him so horribly. 'One more', she thought. But this one she knew she would never send.

Dean

I don't know why I am writing this, I don't even know where you live. For all I know you could live in Kansas with a wife and a baby on the way. I just hope you are finally happy.

I guess I'm just writing this for myself. Writing has always been therapeutic for me. It helps me move on. I guess this an apology letter.

I am so sorry for all that I've done to you.

When I was 16, I loved you so much. You were the best first boyfriend any girl could've had. You were nice to my mom, you understood my humour and you loved that I was driven. You weren't too hard on the eyes either... But one day I wasn't 16 anymore and I found myself wanting more. I was going places, and you stayed in the same place.

When Jess left I thought that I had made the wrong decision picking him. I craved the sense of safety that you gave me. But we had grown so much, changed so much, we couldn't go back to 16, no matter how much we wanted to. I found the right person for a new period of my life. And I am so grateful that I did. I finally knew that you weren't the one for me, and I wasn't the one for you.

I am so sorry for all the hurt that I've caused you, for contributing to the end of a marriage.

You deserve someone who loves you just as much as you love them; someone who will never leave you.

I hope you find what your looking for. Because it's not me.

Goodbye Dean,

Rory


	4. Letter Recieved

Thanks for all the comments!

They were all wonderful and helpful. I honestly wasn't sure whether to go with Logan or with Jess, but as I was writing the Jess chapter it became pretty clear that it was going to be more Jess focused. I was always more of a Literati fan and I wasn't too favourable of Logan, but then Logan has grown on me as I've re watched the seasons. But I still find it hard to write for Rory and Logan. I just wanted to write something realistic. The fact is Rory was in a serious relationship with a man she loved for almost 3 years. That isn't just going to go away all of a sudden and she'll just fling into Jess's arms. I'm just going to let this grow organically and see where it goes. It should be fun. Thanks for reading.

* * *

Jess reached in his pocket for his keys. He opened the small mailbox in the lobby of his apartment building. Normally he just got junk mail or bills. But today he found an envelope with hand written text on the front. That's rare these days, he thought. As he walked up the stairs to his apartment he started casually ripping the envelope open. When he finally took it out and read the first few words he stopped on the stairs in surprise. It was a letter from Rory. Why was Rory writing him? He hadn't seen or heard from her since he tried to kiss her at the opening. 'Wow, this is pretty long...' he thought.

Jess closed his door behind him and walked (half reading) to his couch, sat down and read the whole thing.

He read that Logan had proposed and that she had said no. He felt relieved. "But why is she telling me this', he thought. As he stumbled upon "You were so sexy Jess" he stirred a little. 'Were?..' he wondered. He was confused. It seemed like she was reminiscing about their relationship, as well as ranting about her failed relationship with Logan, but still wasn't clear about what she actually wanted. Jess had read a lot of Rory's writing before and it was normally so direct and focused. 'Maybe the one is the person who you meet at the right time, or maybe the right one is the one who loves you enough to wait for you to get there.' he read again. What does she mean? Is she implying that I've been waiting for her? Or that Logan should have...? She mentions when she is going to be in his town. "She wants to meet" he finally said out loud. Jess wondered whether he should even bother going down that road again. She's obviously still hung up on that rich guy. But still he wondered whether between the lines she wanted something... But _Friend_, she said she really needs a _friend_ right now. Jess grabbed his phone and fiddled with it in his palm for a few moments, wondering what to do next.

Rory's phone buzzed in her purse beside her. She grabbed it and saw that it was a text from Jess.

"Hey Rory,

I just got your letter. I've got to admit, I'm a little confused. Although you seem a pretty confused yourself. Congrats on your job. What's the online paper? I'll look it up. I would like to see you as well. I don't have anything planned for the 7th if you'd like to grab dinner or something?"

She finally breathed after what felt like minutes.

She was happy that she would get to see Jess, but she wasn't exactly sure what what she was expecting, or what she wanted to happen. Rory started writing with her thumbs,

"Sure, that sounds great. So I'll meet you at Truncheon Books at 7?"


End file.
